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[Inheritance.] - A Young Man's Primer on How to Attain the Leisure Class.

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January 20th, 2016

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07:32 am - [Inheritance.]
I've had enough crumminess happen to me in my life that it almost makes me believe in God and that he's been intent on tormenting me since I was born. The awful circumstances I was under as a kid and when I was growing up came so rapid-fire and impossibly specific that I almost had no other choice but to take it personally. No way around it. God was trying to kill me. I know that's not true but it's a funny notion regardless but it often feels true and that kind of makes it the way it is..

I didn't have a relationship with my dad and I only knew him up until I was about nine and he split and started a new family. Knowing that is what happened while it was happening meant that as a kid I had some really, really important work to do before I let that have a deleterious effect on me for the rest of my life. At nine or ten years old I was incredibly astute and I was emotionally intelligent and I suppose that's just true for many people when they're that age. [I'm not sure though.]

I knew he was gone and that after he left me and my sister and my mom he got married to a new wife and he had a new son. [And daughters.] It felt pretty bad when I thought about that and you can't help but to initially feel pretty fucking worthless that your dad would just be gone one day and you'd never hear from him again. Only news about his new family which was always great while my life was rarely even okay. I knew that I had to get passed those feelings or find a way to exist in spite of them and I spent a great deal of my youth and school years going to extremes to try and eliminate those suffocating feelings of abandonment and negative self-worth and all the rest. It was very hard to find confidence in myself and at times I adopted a Scorched Earth approach that may have killed off some of those negative feelings to a degree but it also killed off things of value like friendships and sobriety and I left many bridges behind me burned to nothing but ash and rust.

But that's what happens sometimes. There will be ash and rust.

I am thinking about all of this as I have some ridiculous vein situation in my feet. The blood that's being pumped into them is not being pumped out well enough and after a few hours they start swelling up. It's possible the veins on the tops of my feet just took a beating from my slip-on half-boots that I always wear and or these absurd Prada penny loafers that I am sure are bad for my feet. Whatever it is a couple of these veins just decided they didn't want to be veins anymore. [Or it's some hereditary thing.]

So I am thinking about my dad because I'm thinking about my health. When your feet get weird like mine have it could be some really gnarly shit and so everybody seemed freaked out without externally freaking the hell out but it was kinda scary to think of what it could have been. But it wasn't. I had pretty much ideal numbers for all of my blood work.

My blood works.

Which is a relief. But I have still have these bullshit veins that require prescription socks that don't come in stripes or pink and orange and the insurance I have as a self-employed person is just barely better than having no insurance at all. There is a $5k deductible that has to be paid before the Kaiser coverage kicks in and MRIs and possible surgeries means I'm out five grand for sure.

So my dad. I wonder about his feet and his veins and I know he was flat footed and so is my kid sister. I ended up thinking I'd call to talk to his wife who I know and have spoken to about ten times more than I ever did my dad. I've asked her medical stuff about him and because she's a nurse. That segue lead to finding this link: http://www.stltoday.com/suburban-journals/metro/life/high-ridge-man-earns-first-spirit-of-st-anthony-award/article_564dfccd-4136-5c92-94c8-731f6e9b4453.html and that was what made me decide to write something about him just now.

[1 flew east, one flew west | Go crazy.]


[User Picture]
Date:January 21st, 2016 12:49 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you are going through this - both the beet and the remembrances. Sending lots of good juju your way, Mr J.

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